I have been having some health problems just lately and it has affected my ability to do pretty much anything. What little life I did have came to a complete stop and getting out of bed in the mornings is a battle in itself and not because I physical can’t! I kind of wish it was as that I am used to at times. This time it is more psychological.
Being in pain constantly can really get you down so I have been battling with depression as well this time round. Up until now books have been my escape from the pain and illness but this time I lost the ability to do that no matter how many times I tried, and that just added to everything. The depression even with being prescribed antidepressants has been so bad I was and still do have days where I haven’t wanted to carry on. Life can feel like it would be better off without me, that I can’t and haven’t wanted to carry on, to the point that I had lined up all of my painkiller boxes, the anti depressants and the 2 boxes of sleeping pills with a bottle of vodka and that was what I was going to do, I was going to take them all just to make the pain and all the feelings, all the emotions just STOP. I had even gone as far as to leave a note on the front door saying; “Please do not come in, call the police and stay outside. I am sorry and I don’t want to put you through any more than I already have so please DO NOT COME IN. Sorry. I love you”
In the end it was the fact that someone would have to find me and I couldn’t do that to my daughter as it would have been her, she is only 16 and what finding me would do to her psychologically wouldn’t have been anything good but it hasn’t taken away me wanting to go down that path and those feelings have still been a daily internal battle. And these days it is small things that help make the day bearable and yesterday it was reading and actually completing reading a book. To actually be able to finish a book is a massive win for me. And the even bigger positive, I am excited about reading his new book. It is the first thing that has made me excited for anything in months. It’s almost a miracle in my tiny little world at the moment. If there was ever a time in my life when I needed a positive, this is it.
I am isolated in a place where nothing happens, in the middle of nowhere, I don’t know anyone and it is just me and my daughter now. She has had to grow up fast and when I am having a bad day with my ME and fibromyalgia flair ups she has become my career and that leads to feelings of guilt. She shouldn’t be looking after me and the house, I should be looking after her!
Its a vicious circle that I don’t know how to break that cycle, I know the pain is something I have been learning to live with, it is manageable most days with medication but still leave me unable to do much physical so I am housebound a lot of the time and books used to be my escape, and without that I now am in a worse position that I was before.
Is a reading block a real thing like a writers block? I don’t know how else to describe it other than that. I try to read, I have lost count of how many I have picked up and discarded just lately. I have tried new releases, old faithfuls that Ive never failed to read and connect too but even those haven’t got me through more than a chapter or two.
I don’t know what to do with myself and what really scares me is the days where I feel like I don’t want to be here any more are beginning to out weigh the other days now.
There is no-one i can talk to, I cant put this on my daughter, she worries about me enough bless her and I don’t want to leave her but i don’t want to ruin her life by having her look after me.
This is not where i ever saw my life being. 40 years old, single parent, friendless, penniless, lonely, ill, in pain, depressed to the point of wanting to put an end to it all with no signs that things will ever get better!
I don’t know if anyone will read this but if they do I would love to know if you have ever felt like this and how you got yourselves out of it. Is there a life at the end of the tunnel? Because I cannot see one.
What do I do? Where do I go from here?
So that is why all the reviews have stopped, that is why I haven’t been on social media promoting books like I normal would have been but I do have one really small but really significant positive. I actually managed to read and finish a book this week!!! It is the only book I have started reading and actually made it all the way to the end so for that I am extremely thankful for Chris Carter and An Evil Mind. I am praying he may have fixed my readers block as I have immediately picked up his new book Hunting Evil and it has made me feel a little bit excited about picking up a book again. So again – Thank You Chris Carter!
I pray that this could be a step in the right direction and that it lasts 🤞🏼
But if there is anyone out there that reads this and can help me in any way, even with a suggestions as to what I can do to pull me out of this big black hole i am buried in I will be eternally grateful.
Thank you for taking the time to read this and I look forward to hearing from you if you are feeling like me or have ever felt like this.